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(happy) EDGES
You’ve reached your limit--that’s okay, here’s why.
I remember last year when my hair started falling out in the shower, clumps in my hands as I pushed the water down my hair. I was devastated. Long, healthy, thick hair, a symbol of health and beauty, circled a drain hole. I found chunks of hair tangled on our pillowcases and dancing on countertops. One day, our four-year-old daughter asked, “Mom, why is your hair everywhere?”
I remember calling the doctor to make an appointment, and when she asked for my name, I could not say it. I could not get the words Lauren Lee to come out of my mouth. It meant I owned it--hair loss. The receptionist asked several times if I was there, and all I could shake out between shoving down my fear and grief was, “just a minute.” Finally, I said my name.
My first response to being susceptible to illness was not compassion. I rejected and resisted it. I didn’t want to be kind to the doctor that ripped hair from my scalp for testing. I was not open to comfort from the nurse, who assured me it was temporary. My husband offered to dye his hair from jet black to platinum to distract people from asking me about my hair, and although it made me laugh--it didn’t help. I should have done something to prevent it, I thought. How could I still be me, I wondered? I had to choose compassion to weather this storm and prevent my heart from hardening over. “It requires strength, determination, and courage.” Choosing to be compassionate was a deliberate choice on my part. Compassion itself is not conditional. Only we have made it so. It’s not about how we decide whom and when compassion is warranted but how to treat any conditioning we’ve placed on it.
Of course, my hair loss is trivial in the grand scheme of things but painful nonetheless. It taught me an edge, a limit I subconsciously placed on when it was okay to be compassionate towards myself and others and when it was not. My conditions don’t stop just there. These roots run deep. There are several scenarios where I walk the perimeter putting in the effort to choose to cultivate a compassionate mind. I know I’m not alone. We can see our collective limits by turning on or reading the news. Before I spiral into imposter syndrome or feel like living compassionately is out of reach, every limit I become aware of is critical in developing a “mind that is boundless and unlimited.” That is a win. Not just for me but for us.
It’s okay to smile at your edges. You are meeting your capacity to cultivate compassion in real-time. I’ve heard of growing edges but little about happy ones. Research shows us, “Without engaging in some positive feelings associated with trying to do something about [suffering] it, it can become a dark journey indeed.”
In a recent interview with avid meditator and founder of 10% Happier, Dan Harris sat down with the Dalai Lama. “We are a universal community. We are brothers and sisters and must treat one another as such.” His Holiness repeated. The Buddha speaks about compassion as being a “boundless radiation.” We can cultivate a limitless mind towards all living beings--compassion without condition. These are the goalposts, the north star, the direction to head towards, and each time we become mindful of our stopping points; we get closer to these ideals. You can celebrate you found your compassion edge, or happy edge, as I’m calling it. It’s happy because this is the balance required for transformation to occur—for growth. Meeting your limit means you can choose to surpass it.
Go ahead and opt for the bumpers--pad the journey, so to speak, and celebrate your edges. Psychologist Paul Gilbert shares how ”[Buddha] related to his mind, and what arose within, determine whether he would be happy. So in this way, he saw his mind as the greatest teacher of all.” The same is available for you and me. May we choose to meet our limits with open-heartedness. May we choose skillfully—happily.
Practice today with a Compassion Awareness Guided Meditation on accepting ourselves.
(Originally written for Compassion, Science, and Contemplative Arts class @ Harvard Extension School)
Meditate Today
10-minute meditation for accepting ourselves. This practice includes deep breathing and compassionate imagery. Great for taking care of the heart + mind. Remember this may be new to you. Be kind to yourself as you learn to practice. Some days it comes easier than others but over time it strengthens. Easy does it and begin again. :) Listen here on Spotify and iTunes.
Daily Intention: “May I choose compassion.”
It is a choice to widen your circle when you choose to act compassionately. May this intention be an anchor point for you throughout your day. We have the capacity to cultivate a compassionate mind—it’s okay to learn where there’s room for growth.
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Weekly Practice: (happy) EDGES